It seems to be that as many varietals of wine there are, there is an equal amount of personas of wine drinkers. We’ve narrowed it down to the top 5 that you will at some point in your life either meet, become, or throw a glass of wine over.
The Obnoxious Drinker
Dressed in a velvet suit, with a glass of perfectly-aged Cabernet in one hand and a Cuban cigar in the other, you’ll find Alistair floating through the crowds spreading his unwanted opinions. Often closed-minded, old, and snobby, ‘The Obnoxious Drinker’ will have a devoted wine cellar to Bordeaux and Cabernet Sauvignon only from Napa Valley. He doesn’t care for your favourite wine which is both complex and affordable, so don’t bother trying. Leave him in his bubble and drink the Cabernet; it could be worse.
Pair with: an obnoxious decanter and Creed eau de parfum
The Ladies Who Lunch
They’re wearing Kurt Geiger’s that they bought in TK Maxx. Their hair is perfectly blonde. They smell of overly sweet perfumes. Yes, it’s ‘The Ladies Who Lunch’, and they’re here to order the cheapest bottle of wine on the menu (preferably a Chardonnay) and act like queens. As long as it’s not red wine (Carmen, darling, you know that red wine gives me the most awful headache!), they’ll happily sip it while chatting about Arabella’s pony show and how Tristan’s getting on at Eton.
Pair with: A discount lunch menu and the Atkins diet
The City Boy Drinker
You know the type: he wears a flash suit worth more than your entire student loan, his smile is that little bit too white, and he loves going to ‘Bargs’ in Chelsea with ‘the boys’ for late night drinks. When he’s choosing a wine, he needs the price tag to flaunt to the commoners, and, in an ideal world, the label will match his Italian leather shoes. The image-orientated ‘City Boy Drinker’ will have you giggling at his charm, and rolling your eyes at his ego. He doesn’t care if the wine is great, it just needs a hefty price tag, and for others to know about said price tag.
Pair with: a financed BMW 3 Series and a bombshell girlfriend
The ‘Tastes Like Wine’ Chick
Also known as your lazy flatmate who never pays her bills on time, ‘The Tastes Like Wine Chick’ doesn’t ever have to leave her room now that she’s discovered boxed wine that can be drunk by the bucketload. None of that jargon about ‘earthy undertones and hints of blueberry on the palate’ here, if it’s red or white and tastes of wine, then it’s wine, and it’s good.
Pair with: Netflix and regret
The Wine Blogger
You can spot him from a mile away: his beady eyes are glaring at you, judging you to the depths of your soul for drinking white wine with your steak. He’ll be blogging about that later. He’ll always be taking it a step too far with food pairings, because according to him, “the tannins from a Cabernet Sauvignon cleanse your palate from the fats of a ribeye steak in a way that no Châteauneuf-du-Pape ever could!”. Give it a rest, Paul.
Pair with: a typewriter and a strong love of arguing